I know it's really late, and I should really be asleep, but you know when you're just really in touch with how you feel? I just feel like I should get this all down on (theoretical) paper before I go to sleep and forget all these thoughts and conclusions.
I've never been a huge advocate of change. Especially in my personal life. I take change very badly. Moving to college was a huge struggle for me because it involved me redirecting my entire life, all by myself. Without family. And in reality, only one close friend, who I really didn't want to cling on to just because I was having a hard time adjusting and burden her with all my personal struggles and problems. That could have possibly ruined my friendship someone I care a great deal for. So anyways I basically only have one other person at this university who REALLY knows me in all my imperfections and shortcomings (and all the good stuff too.) In the close-to-a-month that I've been here, I've realized a great many things about my perception of change.
I always viewed change as a negative aspect of life. Change meant getting ripped away from my familiar, and getting thrust out of my comfort zone. It was always at the very top of my "Things I Hate" list. However, I've now come to realize that there is a great amount of good in the concept of change. Let me explain.
For any of you reading this who really know me, you know that I am very comfortable in my skin. If you like me that's great, and if you don't then you're not obligated in any way to be my friend. I am who I am - no excuses. I've come to realize now, though, that back in high school, while I thought I was comfortable, I was really just settling. I comprimised with everyone else's perceptions of me. I spent 18 years building a reputation that in some parts, I really didn't like.
Moving away from home has given me, as everyone says, "a blank slate." For the first time in my young life, I'm not defined by anyone but myself. Many people view this as an opportunity to get rid of things they don't like about themselves. And while I could do that, I won't. That would be cheating who I really am, because you can never really like 100% of yourself. The human is a flawed being. And that's what's so amazing about life. We're not perfect.
It may come as a surprise, but even within a month, I see subtle changes in myself. I see it most in the friends that I am spending the majority of my time with. I never thought it would happen, but they are the complete and total opposites of my high school friends in every way, shape, and form. They are fulfilling a different part of me than my high school friends did. A part most of them never even touched on. I see change in the way I behave and conduct myself, the way I study, talk, walk, the way I do everything. I'm finally finding my groove and fitting in. I honestly so much happier on such a deeper level than I ever was in high school, and I'm grateful for that.
I think when it comes down to it, my changing process is not about becoming a new person. It's about settling into a more ideal version of my old self. And honestly, that's all there is to it.